My Secrets
by WhenTheBloodMoonDies
Summary: Archangel Raziel the Angel of Secrets is a powerful man. This is the story of his beginning. He dies for his girl, but she doesn't die and she moves on. Her sadness, his tears, her love, his death, her life, his story. Sequel to My Sanity.


My Secrets

**Description: **This is the story of Archangel Raziel, he dies for his girl then she eventually goes off with another man, Raziel has become an angel for her and he checks in on her constantly, when he sees her with a man he yells and gets angry, and yells but she doesn't listen. All the while Raziel watching and crying.

**Disclaimer****: **I do not own, actually I own most of this....Raziel is sort of my own character, so is Phoibe and Azrael...etc. (I do not own The Mortal Instruments)

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_I cried out to you, but you were deaf to me._

_I died and you moved on,_

_I left and you died inside,_

_Why does death matter?_

_Why do I have to stay apart from you? _

_Why are you aloud to sit on the cold ground next to my body and cry your eyes out?_

_What keeps me from opening them again?_

_What stops me from reaching out?_

_What do tears feel like when you have none?_

"Heya Raz." My girl bounced up, pecking me on the cheek and my heart warmed, my heart only ever light up for her, only her. Everyone else called me a killer but I wasn't, I wasn't. Only she saw that, my girl, Phoibe, My Light.

"Hi Phoibe." I replied quickly glancing around, assessing possible danger from our surroundings. I always did that and she always reprimanded me for it, for she believed that the world was wonderful and pure, that no one was evil or bad.

My heart beat for her and only her, my parents long dead, I had no friends, only enemies.

"Where are we going today?" She asked, kissing me again before I could answer. I shrugged and we walked out into the street. "I…er…planned a little something. You know, no big deal." I said quietly, of course it was a big deal though. I was going to propose to her, make her mine forever.

My Light giggled, pressing up against me while we walked, her body hindered mine but I would never complain.

"Hey! Look at that!" She shouted jumping in the air to catch a snowflake, "I love snow!" she yelled happily. "I love _you_." I whispered in her ear, I bit her neck suckling on her scent. I didn't really care who was watching, even though I could feel stares, between my girl's yelling and my sexual excitement they had quite a show on their hands.

A loud bang echoed down the street and we jumped apart, infernal machines. I stepped up beside her and she intertwined our hands, then was when I decided to propose, I couldn't wait a moment longer.

I kneeled down in the falling snow and proposed, she said yes.

I hugged her and pressed her into a kiss, there was another loud bang, I turned and saw a man wearing all black walking towards us, carrying a gun. I jumped and pushed My Light aside, taking the bullet meant for her.

Pain exploded in my chest and a red rose, the king among flowers bloomed on my shirt front, I fell to the ground in what seemed at the time like slow motion but now I wished could have been slower if it had meant that I'd be able to see my girl for a second longer.

I stared into her eyes and saw her run towards me, I waved her back feebly,

Terrible pain rippled through me as another piece of heated metal pierced my skin, flames ripped through me and I jerked, my blood flowing out into the clean white snow, my own death only prolonged minutes by the cold and the bitter night.

My consciousness slipped away into the night and the pain disappeared, I stared down at my body.

Hands grabbed at me and I resisted, watching as police caught the gun man and as my girl wept, horrible and wrenching tears, she slipped an arm around me and shook my body, I fought to get back to it but the hands demanded my presence elsewhere.

My girl shook me and pleaded, her sadness permeated the night air in which I lay and I realized that even her light couldn't warm me now. I closed my eyes against the horrible pain and gave in with one last whispered goodbye to My Light, then let the hands dragged me away.

5 years later

I am Raziel, angel of secrets. I am a protector. I protect those who cannot protect themselves, namely My Light. I became an angel for her, for only angel's can visit the living and the living can only see the living. Where as the dead see everything for what it is, the world is coated in pure sadness, sadness that only My Light could penetrate, but I cannot feel her now, she is mine no longer.

I am sadness incarnate, for my girl has moved on; she met a man. I have checked in on her every day for a year then these visits moved up to once a week and there they've stayed for four years, my duties as an angel eat away at the time I wish to spend with her. I watched my own funeral, my own burial and my girl bawling her eyes out over my body. I cried too, but no one else knew that. I didn't cry for myself, I cried for her, My Light Phoibe.

Her, my girl, for months I watched her grow thinner and thinner, she stopped eating, stopped drinking, stopped caring. I watched and listened while no one else cared, and something inside me wished that she would just die and be with me. She miscarried right after I died, neither of us had known.

She cries now for the babe and me, she is sad for having lost her last contact with me by accident. I cry too, for her, I cry a lot for the loss of My Light, watching her grow dimmer and dimmer becomes too much for me to bare.

And now she has a no good man, a man who will only use her then leave. I can only check up on her once a week and try to go about my duties the rest of the week while wallowing through memories.

_I looked on with sad eyes as my girl fought to stop the police from taking my body, she screamed and bawled and cried for me but I couldn't come to her anymore. Tears of blood dripped down my pale cheeks, but no one saw, I was invisible. I reached out and grabbed her, trying to pull her into a hug, but she passed right through my arms, sliding away from me._

_She whispered that she hated me and that I was a bad man for leaving her when she needed me. That made my invisible tears run down my cheeks in streams but she soon apologized to my body, saying that she was sorry for being an idiot, while her tears drenched the ground in sorrow and agony ripped through my essence._

I shook my head, breaking away from the memories and back to the present. This man needed less secrets, this woman more, this child less, this elder more, this man more, this woman less and so on.

After another moment though my mind was dragged back down into memory.

_A pure casket of elm wood was carried out by somber looking men in black suits who fended off my girl when she tried to catch a glimpse of my body, she wept and cried on the wood, so much that one of the men finally gave in and let her and me catch a glimpse of my pale, still body. My eyes had been closed and my face still held a loving look, for I had died thinking of her. _

_Her tears flowed into my closed eyes and I blinked my own tears away, I reached down to wipe the tears away from her beautiful face but my hand just floated through her body. _

_She got up to speak about me but all she could do was sob into the air, her tears seemed to be endless. I wished that her tears could bring me back, but they couldn't._

_No one else other than the priest and the hired casket bearers attended. So it was a quick service, my girl wept and cried, but only screamed once, that one scream was imbued with both of our sadness though and all the pent up horror at how much her world had change. _

_After a ceremony and burial she went back to what used to be our home, that was when she miscarried, our babe joined me in the afterlife. She grew up literally before my eyes, so was the way with the dead, she became a small looking five year old and she stared with sad eyes down at her mother who lay on the bathroom floor, screaming and crying so hard that one scream blended into another._

_Her body lay in blood, barely form and so tiny, so tiny. _

_I reached out for my light but pulled back before I actually reached her, that way I wouldn't have to think about my lack of body more than I had to already. _

_I closed my eyes and breathed in her scent, reminding myself of the many times I'd done just this when I was alive. I pretended that I still was alive and that I could feel her, how I would tell her that it was okay, we could get through anything together, that we could survive, that we _would _survive. _

_Then I would pull her off the floor and get her cleaned up, make her eat and drink something. Then I'd take her and let her cry all her fears out to me and we would drift off to sleep holding one another in a tight embrace. _

_I opened my eyes and she was still screaming, anger and fear and sadness permeated the air around us, our child looked on with sad eyes. And I remembered that I couldn't really touch her, I screamed and wept with her._

_But what truly made me weep was the fact that I knew that her light had gone out, even if I was alive her light no longer burned. When I stood near her all I felt was sadness. _

I shook my head again, forcing myself back into the present yet again.

I looked at my girl helping her new beau move into our old house, she smiled and laughed, but it looked unreal, forced. As though she was forcing herself to be a different person.

I was jerked away again and back to my menial duties, I performed my job perfectly for a week, visited my daughter and looked after her then went back to My Light.

I always returned back to her, _always._

This week he violated her, _raped_ her, forcing her into things we had done willingly, she cried but no one came to save her. I stood there and shouted at this horrible man and I tried to punch him but it didn't work. My hand passed through him and I imagined that my fists were making contact.

My Light slid deeper into darkness after that, the next week I watched with sad eyes while he hit her, punched her beautiful face. After that he repeated his actions from last week, only this time my girl didn't scream, she just shut down. Being quiet and closing her eyes, shutting this world out in the favor of another better one.

I watch her shame and horror while she tried to not believe. I wept and shouted at her, angry at her weakness, how could she be so weak? How could she? I called her every horrible name I could think of as the fake tears slid down my tears slid down my face, leaving streaks of redness.

I was torn away from her again, and the next week I came back to visit her just in time.

She slit her wrists while I watched, finally taking her own incentive upon the matter. Her spirit floated up and I hugged her while she cried against me, at that moment I knew she would be alright, then I took her to meet our daughter.

I later became an archangel and so did she, my Phoibe, the Angel of Light.

Then these two young children came to be and they called for me, I answered and unspoken apologies bubbled up my throat when I realized their trouble was my fault.

They seemed to think that I was a great deity, I let them think that but Phoibe and me laughed about it later.

The young girl who summoned me wanted my help, I helped her without another thought, because she reminded me of my girl.

She became a person that I check in frequently upon, for she was another light in the eternal darkness of this world.

When she and her man lost their minds because of My Secrets I intervened, calling in the boon that Azrael owed me, he reluctantly returned them to their former state.

The reason Angel of Death Azrael owed me a boon only because I wasn't meant to die that day, he had become greedy and when he saw the possibility of my death he took that chance.

I told him that Azrael owed me another boon, for Phoibe and he reluctantly agreed, for he was also the Angel of Hardships.

Soon then after ordinary life resumed, and I went back to my quiet life of watching secrets.

The End.

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**Author's Note: **Hope you enjoyed it. Thought it was going to end badly for a bit didn't you?

**Reviews are the only type of payment a FF author receives, please grant me a few.**


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